What Hurts The Most
by christmasinacup
Summary: What would have happened if Castle walked away in 4x01 'Rise' and Beckett didn't follow him?  warning: a bit angsty
1. Chapter 1

AN: So, I changed it a tiny bit, I know Beckett is originally the one who walked away from the conversation, and Castle is the one who followed her. But shhh, the story works better this way ;) Beckett is still in a very fragile emotional state, so this is a bit (or very) melodramatic and angsty.

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><p><em>What hurts the most<em>

_Was being so close_

_And havin' so much to say_

_And watchin' you walk away_

_And never knowin'_

_What could've been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

"I needed some time to just work through everything."

"Josh help you with that?" His tone was cold, bitter. Angry, which he had every right to be.

"We broke up."

It was silent for a moment. Kate thought she saw a flicker of something in Castle's eyes. But before she could figure out what it was, it was gone.

"Three months," he said, his eyes weary. "If you needed that much space, you could have told me. I would have understood."

"I know, but –"

"I don't think you do, Beckett. So I think that I'm gonna need some space, too." _Beckett. _The use of her last name stung. The last time he saw her, he called her Kate. She wanted to hear his voice say her name again, in the same loving way, but he was gone. She watched Castle cross the street and head towards the park.

Before she could start to cry, Kate bit her lip and turned around, walking back towards her apartment. If she couldn't make everything right with Castle, she could at least get her gun back and start working again. She wasn't supposed to go back to the Precinct for another week, but it wasn't like she had anything else to do anyway. He'd come around. He wasn't the type to hold a grudge or be petty.

A week later, she lay in bed, wide awake. She had her gun back, she even had a new case at the 12th with Ryan and Espo. Everything was returning to normal. Except Castle. She had gotten so sick of looking at his chair and feeling a pain in her heart that she had pushed it into a closet near the breakroom. The boys were smart enough not to say anything. Esposito must have warned Lanie too, because she hadn't made even one "Writer Boy" comment. But everyone else ignoring it didn't ease the heartache.

She had so much she wanted to say to him. So many apologies, for all the times he had been there for her that she had ignored, because it was easier to ignore her feelings than act on them. But the thing that hurt the most was that she had lied to him. She knew he loved her. And she loved him, too. More than she was ready to admit. So she didn't call. For three months, she tried to make sense of everything that happened, putting the pieces together.

They had been so close. She saw the hurt in his eyes and before she could figure out what to say to make everything better, he was gone.

xxxx

It had been three weeks now. Three weeks, and he was still gone. Kate figured at some point, he would give in and come back to the Precinct. Come back to her. She carried that pain in her heart around, but she was slowly getting any better at dealing with it. By now she was good at pretending she was okay. Cases came and went, and she was numb to most of them. Except one where a woman was murdered on the set of an, ahem, _adult_ film. Usually, odd settings like those would amuse her, but all this one did was make her think of what Castle's reaction would be. She had to clench her jaw to keep from breaking down when the murderer turned out to be a guy playing a butler for the little film. A fucking butler in a porn movie? Seriously? It had Castle written all over it. It was like some cosmic force was trying to drive her crazy.

She still lived in some amount of regret every day. When she got dressed in the mornings and saw her scar, she thought of those last few moments before she blacked out. The tears in his eyes as he whispered that he loved her. Asked her not to leave him.

But it was him who had left her.

And then she went back to that day, at the book signing. If she could do-over that moment after the signing, she would. Couldn't he see she was just trying to love him? Granted, she went about it the completely wrong way, but still. She just needed some answers. She thought she would get them when she saw his face, but she only ended up with a hundred more questions and what-ifs.

On top of that, PTSD-induced dreams haunted her almost every night. She was seeing a therapist, and had even mentioned Castle a few times, but it hadn't helped. The truth, as painful as it was admit, was that she loved him. And she wasn't ready to.

He didn't deserve half of her heart, he deserved all of it. The whole damn thing. But while her mother's killer and the sniper that shot her were still out there, she could barely even give him half. And that wasn't fair to him.

xxxx

Five weeks. She had given up on waiting. Her life had reduced down to the most basic cycle: wake up, shower, go to the 12th work, come home, eat, sleep. She had stopped taking long baths and re-reading his novels, or any books at all, for that matter. Even the paper, with the date annoyingly printed on display in the top corner, was no longer on her radar. The glass of red wine she used to enjoy with her dinner each night had been replaced by two or three glasses of throat-burning Scotch. Or vodka. Or nothing. Her eating patterns had become irregular. Two meals some days (very few), none on others. She survived on coffee and bearclaws at the precinct most of the week. You would think that only eating doughnuts would make her gain weight, but instead she was losing it.

Lanie had stopped suggesting that they go grab lunch, or a drink after work. She barely said anything to Kate outside of medical reports on victims, except a 'hello.' Ryan and Espo were the same, all business, no prying. They had stopped trying to pretend everything was okay, because it wasn't.

She didn't know how much longer she could go on like this. She was a wreck, and she knew it. Her therapist had many suggestions on how to move on, but Kate wasn't ready. Moving on was like officially giving up on him. For the same reason she couldn't stop hunting her mother's killer, and the man who shot her.

xxxx

Kate Beckett slammed the door to her apartment and collapsed on the closest piece of furniture, the couch. It was raining, and the rain seemd to be louder on the roof than it usually was. It made her apartment seem large and empty. She normally liked rain, when she got off of work early enough to come home and sit in a hot bath with a book. But it was too late. Almost 11, actually.

Richard Castle came rushing into her mind unexpectedly. She had been trying to keep him out all day, for fear of bursting into tears. It had been 6 weeks. She didn't want to cry, but she had to. Alone in the darkness of her empty apartment, she let it out. It still upset her to go on without him, it did. But it had been so long that she was a bit numb to it. And she didn't want to be. She wanted to miss him like crazy, and love him, and be entitled to grab him in a searing kiss every time he walked through the door of her apartment.

Eventually, she wanted to wake up to him everyday. To kiss him good morning and good night and snuggle on the couch together after long days of work.

Her phone sat on the kitchen counter, just a few feet away from her. And just a short distance from her phone was a half-empty bottle of vodka. Heartbreak or mind-numbing pain? They sounded the same to her. She wanted to call him, but at the same time she wanted to drink until she forgot his name as well as her own.

She frowned at her own thoughts, stopping for a moment to self-reflect. Diving into the bottle? Since when had that ever been appealing to her? _Since she lost him._

Kate continued to stare at her kitchen counter, weighing both options. For the time being, she chose neither. Instead, she grabbed a blanket off the end of the couch, kicked off her 5-inch heeled boots, and made herself comfortable. For now, she was going to try and sleep. It may not work, but there was nothing else she could do expect stare at her kitchen and think about how much she wanted him.

She wanted him so much.

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><p>What do you guys think? Shall I continue? Maybe follow-up with a chp. from Castle's POV? Bring them together eventually? Or leave this an angsty one-shot?<p>

Reviews are greatly appreciated :)


	2. Chapter 2

So here we go... Castle's POV. I got a lot of reviews in just one day, so I was able to whip this right up during a study break ;) The continuation will come in a few days, though, because I have finals to study for. That being said, the ending might be a little mean to you guys... Review anyway?

Enjoy! I tried to keep it on the same timeline as the first chapter, although I may have dialed down the angst a tiny bit...

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><p>"I don't think you do, Beckett. So I think that I'm gonna need some space, too." She looked like she had been slapped across the face. He understood exactly how she felt. The words stung on his end, too.<p>

Before he could pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless, he turned around and crossed the street. He just kept walking, past the bookstore, past apartment buildings and people walking their dogs and happy couples sitting outdoors in front of cafes. For the first 3 blocks, he hoped that maybe, _just maybe, _she would follow him. No such luck. He hailed a cab and went home.

When he got home, Alexis was sitting at the kitchen counter, doing the last of her AP summer homework. She looked up, her blue eyes bright and a large smile on her face.

"Hey, Dad. How'd the signing go?"

He tossed his jacket on a chair and joined his daughter at the kitchen counter. He faked a smile.

"Oh, you know. Same old, same old."

She smiled. "Cool."

"Hey Alexis," he said, getting up and going to the fridge to get a drink. "What do you think about doing some college visiting before school starts? Paula wanted me to do some book touring, and I turned it down to spend the summer with you, but we only have a few weeks left and you and I haven't really looked at any colleges. What do say?," he said, wiggling his eyebrows and taking a swig of rootbeer. "Wanna join your old man and combine business with pleasure?"

She nodded. "Sounds like a plan, Dad. But what about Beckett? Doesn't she come back soon?"

"She's actually back already. Came back early."

"And?"

He took another big sip of rootbeer and avoided her eyes.

"I think a break would be good for both of us. Plus, I gotta take advantage of whatever time I can get with my little girl."

The look on Alexis's face made it obvious that she didn't totally believe him, but he didn't offer any further explanation. He planted a kiss on her head and then walked towards his office.

"I'll go call Paula," he called to her, his heart breaking. He was about to make it final, official. He wouldn't be seeing Kate Beckett for at least 3 weeks. He didn't know what would come after that, but for now, he had to take it one day at a time. Any more thinking about her and he would lose it.

He loved her. He loved her so, so much. But she had made it clear that she didn't feel the same. Even though she had broken up with - No. He was going to push her out of his head. As much as he could while going on a Nikki Heat book tour, anyway.

A week later, he and Alexis were in sunny Los Angeles. They had already checked out USC and UCLA, and after Rick's last signing tonight at a Barnes & Noble in Venice Beach, they would be off to Chicago for 3 days. He has instructed Paula to only do major cities, and for the tour to only be three weeks, because Alexis had to back in time for school.

He left Alexis in their hotel room, watching old Sex and the City reruns and trudged downstairs to meet his ride. He had grown to hate book signings in the past week, after doing them in a few more bookstores in New York, then 2 in San Francisco, and now he was on his third in LA. Every time he asked, "Who should I make it out to?," he prayed the woman would answer, "Kate." That it would be her.

He sat in his chair two hours later, thoroughly bored. Good thing he had a knack for faking smiles. It had served him well over the years, but never as much as it had in the last week.

"Thanks for coming down," he smiled at two completely fake baked, bottle blond young girls in their twenties. To be fair, one of them actually had a pretty smile, and her natural sandy brown hair probably flattered her face quite nicely. And the other girl's breasts seemed real, so he had to commend her for that.

A book slid in front of him and he sighed to himself, grabbing his Sharpie and opening the front cover.

"Who should I make it out to?"

"Kate, please."

He sucked in a breath and stared at the inside cover of the book for a moment before looking up. He struggled to keep the disappointment off his face. It wasn't her. It was a short woman in her forties with thick black curly hair and gray eyes. To fair, she was pretty. Rather stunning, actually. But she wasn't his Kate. Thankfully, she didn't see his look of disappointment. She was looking at the life size cutout of him next to the stack of books.

"Wow," she said with a smile. "Thank you! I've been a fan for _forever_. You know, you're even more attractive in person."

He turned up the charm a few more notches and flashed her his dazzling smile. "Well, thank you. Enjoy the book, Kate."

She nodded and said 'thank you' again, then walked away. He stared at the long line of women (and a few dudes) who had been after her. Christ. Had he really agreed to do this for 2 more weeks?

xxxx

Alexis gathered her books and stuffed them all in her bookbag, which pulled her shoulder down a few inches. Rick swore it did, anyway.

"Dad, I'll be fine! Promise!"

"My baby's a _senior_," he said dramatically, holding his arms open. "Come here, you."

Alexis stepped into his arms and gave him a big hug. "I love you, dad," she giggled. "But I don't want to be late!"

Rick sighed and let go of her. "Right. Your last first day of school." Alexis nodded and smiled. She headed for the door.

"Have fun!"

The second she was gone, he sat down at his desk to brood. Even though he had been signing copies of "Heat Rises" for three weeks, it had been easier to forget her when he had been in other parts of the country. San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Austin, Miami…. But now he was back in Manhattan, and every time he heard a police siren, her face came into his mind. Her voice, her hazel-green eyes, her beautiful smile. That sexy laugh of hers. The cute faces she made over her coffee in the mornings.

He missed her so much.

He should have been working on a new Nikki Heat book, but how could he, given the circumstances? And given the ending of the last one? He honestly had no idea how to continue the story.

Kate may be alive, but he didn't have her anymore. And Rook was in between. And Nikki… what would she do when Rook woke up? Would she be stupid, waiting for him to call her for three months? And when he returned, would she make the mistake of fighting with him and then walking away?

He shouldn't have left her. Rick knew it was stupid. Space? He couldn't for the life of him understand why he had thought that was what he needed. He wished more than anything that right now, Kate Beckett was invading his personal space. That he was breathing her air, that he was at least existing in her atmosphere.

But he wasn't. He was half an hour away from her, in his study. She was probably sitting at her desk, drinking coffee without him. All because he had been an idiot.

xxxx

Five weeks. He hadn't written a single word, except for an email to Gina and Paula saying that he had a bit of writer's block and would not be making his deadline in a month. They had both been angry, and expected answers, but he gave them none. All he had were questions.

Like, how do you write when your muse is gone?

Alexis had noticed that he had grown mopey. So had his mother. They both tried to lighten him up with James Bond movies, poker games, and laser tag. But all of the spy movies and fun toys in the world couldn't pull him out of the state of regret he was living in.

He had had so much to say to her, dammit. Starting with what had happened at Montgomery's funeral.

He loved her. He loved her more than anything in the world. And every once a while, she had smiled at him or said something that made him believe that maybe she loved him, too. They had been _so close_. And he had ruined it by walking away.

The pain pulled him apart inside. He needed her, he knew it. He couldn't go on without her.

xxxx

It was raining. Pouring, actually. He was sitting in his office. He barely left it, except to use the bathroom or get food. Not that he was eating much. He did his best to pull himself together for Alexis and his mother, pretend everything was okay on the surface. But it was far from okay.

On nights like tonight, though, he didn't have to pretend. Alexis was at a sleepover and Martha was at the theater, so he drank his Scotch alone. He wallowed in the pain, allowing his eyes to get bloodshot and his speech to slur. Richard Castle was a messy drunk, if he had too much.

6 weeks. Since he had looked into those eyes and seen her silky brown curls and her lips. His throat burned. He couldn't fucking take it anymore. He never used to get this drunk and out of sorts, but he'd lost her, so now nothing was off the table.

His phone sat on his desk, all the aps and games on it neglected. He'd only used it to communicate with Alexis for the last few weeks. He tapped the screen lightly to see the time. 8:45.

He laughed at himself. Pathetic. He was wasted off his ass, and it wasn't even 9 pm. To be fair, it was dark outside, so it looked later, at least. The rain beat down loudly on his roof. It made the big apartment seem lonely.

He considered crying, but that was just a bit too cliché. Not to say he hadn't cried a few times since he lost her, because he had. And he wasn't ashamed of it.

He wanted her so much.

His eyelids fluttered and he felt drowsy. That's what too much Scotch could do to you. He dragged himself to his bedroom and pulled his shoes off. Slipping under the covers of his bed fully clothed, he set his phone on the nightstand in case Alexis called and needed him to bring something to her from home.

His phone rang, startling him out of his light sleep. He looked at the clock in alarm. How long had he been asleep? It was almost midnight. The phone continued to ring just as the hangover hit.

He answered it, not even bothering to look at the caller ID. "Yup?," he asked groggily.

"Castle? It's…. it's Kate."


	3. Chapter 3

"Castle? It's….it's Kate."

He was suddenly alert and snapped to attention, sitting up in bed. The hangover headache was still there, but he barely noticed.

"Kate?"

She practically melted at the sound of his voice. Saying her name.

"Hi."

"Hi."

There was a long pause. Castle rubbed his eyes and blinked, trying to wake himself up. He slapped his face. Was this real? Was that really her on the other side of the call? The soft sound of her breathing confirmed it. It really was her. After 6 weeks without that voice, he felt full again, not empty and broken.

Kate chewed on her bottom lip and stared at her kitchen counter again. An empty vodka bottle lay on its side. After staring at it for twenty minutes, she had gotten up off the couch, poured all the liquor down the drain, then drifted off for about half an hour. She dreamed of him, and when she woke up she knew she had to call him. And now here they were.

"I…," they said at the same time, their voices timid and quiet. "You first," Castle said softly, always the gentleman.

"I… I missed you," Kate ventured, trying to sound more confident in her emotions.

"I missed you too. And I'm sorry, Kate. So sorry for walking away, for leaving you alone."

"Thanks," she whispered. What did she say? "But I didn't want you to stay if it meant lying to me. You needed time, right?" What? _What? _That's what she was going to say? She instantly felt stupid.

Castle mentally kicked himself in the face. _Had he let her believe that?_ Damn, he was stupid.

"No, I just thought I did. It was stupid of me, Kate, to say that. I was just confused and angry… I didn't know what to do. But I would never lie to you."

"We've all been confused, Rick," she said, using his first name. It felt more intimate. "But I can't lie to you either, it messed me up."

He gave a hollow laugh. "Me too," he admitted. "I've been a wreck."

"You have?"

"Yes. I went on a combination book signing and college tour with Alexis. I saw you everywhere, Kate. Every time I signed a goddamn book, I thought of you and of that day."

"You did?"

"Yep. One woman asked me to make it out to Kate, and my heart started beating like crazy. But when I looked up, it wasn't you. It was the strangest experience, I swear to God."

She smiled a little bit at his story. "I thought of you, too. Every day. I couldn't read your books, and then I couldn't bring myself to read any books at all. I'd find something to remind me of you somewhere."

"Really?" He marveled at his effect on her. He was pleased, but not in a cocky way.

"But it put me in a lot of pain, too," she confessed, opening herself up. She braced herself for the emotional pain, but it didn't come just yet. Maybe she was setting herself free. "I wanted to scream and cry, and I lived in regret. I stopped eating, and I couldn't even look at a cup of coffee after a while."

"Me too," he said, shocked at how similar their downward spirals had been. "Alexis and Mother were appalled. But I couldn't drink coffee. Even the _smell_ made me think of all those moments we shared."

"Wow." She was shocked too. Was it possible that they were so in sync that they had even grieved in the same way? "Did you get any good writing out of it?"

"No. The one thing you and I don't share in common in the ability to bury ourselves in work when it gets tough. I prefer to play video games, or laser tag. But I didn't even want to do that."

"You didn't?"

"No. I just wanted you."

They were still dancing around it, around his confession of love. Around their true feelings for each other.

"Did you leave the house?," she asked, trying to be casual. She shifted on her couch and pulled a pillow into her lap. Where they really talking about all the collective pain they had experienced in the last 6 weeks as if they were talking about the weather?

"Didn't even leave my study," he said with a small, self-deprecating laugh. "Hey, did you get your gun back?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "_Yes_. Gates made me go through 3 hours of training, all over again!"

Castle laughed. She had missed that laugh. Warm, loving, witty.

"I actually had a case a few weeks ago that made me think of you, " she said with a tiny smile. "An actress for a porn movie was murdered."

"Awww! I missed that?"

"Yeah.. and guess who did it?"

"Director? One of the male leads?" She could hear the excitement in his voice. It was clear he had missed the Precinct as much as it had missed him. "No! I know! Craft service guy!"

"Nope," she said, with a genuine, happy laugh. "The guy who was playing the butler."

"Nooooo!," he wailed. She laughed at him some more. "Man! I bet Ryan and Esposito had fun with that one."

"Oh, they did. Maybe too much." She giggled.

He sighed. "I'll just have to ask them about it. I wish I'd been there…."

"Yeah." They both grew silent, remembering why he hadn't been there. They had almost forgotten.

"Hey, Castle?"

"Yes, Kate?" She braced herself. She couldn't go back once she said this.

"You know when we were talking about how messed up we were? Well, there was another thing I forgot to say…..every time I got dressed and saw my scar in the mirror, I thought of the funeral. Of you. I lied when I said I didn't remember anything. I remember it all."

Silence fell over them again. Rick widened his eyes and lost his ability to speak. _What?_

"All of it?," he whispered after a few minutes. She nodded, then remembered he couldn't see her.

"Yes."

"Kate… I don't want to do this over the phone," he said suddenly. She swallowed. She wasn't sure if she was ready to see his face again. If she could handle it.

"Come over," she said, surprising herself.

"Okay," He said, trying not to sound too anxious and out of his mind with longing. To see her. To see her face. He was nodding vigorously, even though she couldn't see him. "See you in like 15 minutes."

"Okay," she said. They hung up, and she sat there in shock for a moment. He was coming to her apartment. After 6 weeks of wanting him, needing him, and missing him, she would see him. See his bright blue eyes and boyish smile and rugged body. The softness of his lips, the little crinkles in the corners of his eyes.

She needed to make some damn coffee.

xxxx

He needed to get them some coffee.

The second Rick Castle hung up the phone, he realized that is was 3 AM. If he and Kate were going to have enough energy to talk, really talk, face to face, they were gonna need coffee. But where would he get it? He didn't want to waste the time making it.

As he was putting on his shoes and zipping up his jacket, he remembered a little 24-hour deli about two blocks from his apartment where he had gotten their morning coffee one time last year, when Kate had called him at 4:30 am with a dead body. He grinned in triumph, and stuffed his keys, wallet, and phone in his pocket.

He was out the door in less than 10 minutes. If he drove fast (which he could, since there was barely any traffic at this hour), he could get their coffees and be at Beckett's apartment in 20 minutes or less. He put plugged his iPhone into his car adapter, and for the first time in weeks, he listened to music. He chose Pearl Jam, of course. "Just Breathe" filled his car within seconds, and he was off.

He was finally going to see her again. Her soft chestnut curls, her hazel-green eyes that made him think of leave changing in the fall, her pink lips. The smile she got on her face when she figure out who a killer was, he had really missed that. Her laugh. Sexy and silly at the same time.

And then there was what she had said before they hung up. It troubled him slightly. He had conveniently forgotten that it meant she had basically lied to him. It just sat there in the back of his mind, waiting to resurface.

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><p>AN: Too many parallels? After a while it felt a little silly, but I think that there are so many things Beckett and Castle have in common that they don't realize. Besides their intense love for each other, ha ha.<p>

And they will be forced to address that love in chapter 4, when they meet face-to-face... bum bum _BUUUMMM_

I hoped you enjoyed it! Review? ;)


	4. Chapter 4

Kate Beckett looked around her apartment. It wasn't messy, but it definitely could use some straightening up. She caught a glimpse of herself in the shiny screen of her phone. Ugh. She could use some straightening up too.

She started with her apartment, fluffing her couch pillows and tossing the empty vodka bottle in the recycling under her sink. She made sure the coffee maker was on, then ran into her bathroom. She brushed her teeth, cleaned up her makeup, and combed through her loose chestnut waves until she was happy with the result. She kicked off her 5-inch heels and pulled off her skinny black pants, slipping into a pair of jeans. Her dark green blouse was comfy, so she left it on.

She was really, truly nervous to see him. What was she going to say? She had basically just admitted to lying to him. Now, whether she wanted to or not, she was going to have to tell him how she felt.

As she had said just 15 minutes ago, she remembered everything. Including the pain.

xxxx

Castle parked his car on the street just a block away from Beckett's apartment, balancing their two coffees in his hands. It was very cold at this hour, so he walked to her building as quickly as he could. What was he going to say?

He didn't even know how he was going to address her confession. That was the flaw in this unconventional love story. He wanted to be with her, to love her and to make up for all the times he had wanted to kiss her but couldn't. All the times he wanted to hold her in his arms and comfort her, make her world a better place. God knows she made his world a better place, every single day.

_Wait til you can talk to her about it_, he told himself. _Don't jump to conclusions._

He arrived at Beckett's small apartment building. It was modest, and much smaller and less extravagant compared to his, but he liked that. He thought Beckett's building had a certain coziness to it. He jumped into the elevator and hit the '6' for the sixth floor.

A lyric from an old Burt Bacharach song popped into his head as he stepped onto Beckett's floor, walking down the hallway to her apartment:

_Darling, have a heart,_

_don't let one mistake keep us apart_

_When I climb the stair and turn the key, _

_Oh, please be there, _

_still in love with me_

He reached her apartment and took a deep breath, balanced both coffees in one hand, then knocked on the door.

xxxx

Kate heard a knock at her door and took a deep breath. She opened the door timidly, very uncharacteristic of her.

"Castle."

He gave her a small half-smile and held out one of the two paper cups of coffee. "I got you coffee."

She blushed and reached out to take it. "Um, thanks..."

Castle's face fell slightly. "What? Still not ready for coffee again? I know its not a grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla, but the closest place that was open was a 24-hour deli near my place, so-"

She made a sound sort of like a small laugh and nodded her head towards the kitchen.

"No, it's just… I made coffee."

He grinned for a second. "Oh."

"Yeah."

They were left standing there in awkward silence for a few moments, until Kate realized the situation and gestured to her couch.

"Wanna sit?"

Castle nodded. They sat on the couch, their bodies turned towards each other but a few feet apart, still giving each other space. Neither knew how to start.

Kate knew she needed to start, but every time she even thought about opening her mouth, she lost her confidence. Suddenly, Castle just went for it.

"So… you said that you….you lied?"

_Here we go._

Kate frowned and bit down on her bottom lip. "Yesss," she said slowly. "I remember everything that happened that day, like it was yesterday. But I don't…. that's not as important as why I did it."

Castle was a little angry with her, but he did his best to hide it from her. "It's all important, Kate."

"I know, I just….. I had so many things to say to you. And it hurt, knowing I lied to you and now that I know how much pain you've been in these last few weeks, I…. I feel horrible."

_That's it, Kate,_ she thought. _Take it in another direction. Avoid the bombshell for as long as you can._

"I'm sorry. For all the times you were there for me and I ignored it because I didn't want to get close to you. To anyone, really. And every time I thought I had an answer, I ended up with a hundred more questions."

Castle was watching her attentively, listening. She couldn't tell if he was angry of not. If he believed her.

"And on top of that, there was the PTSD, and the bad dreams that came with it..."

His jaw dropped. "PTSD?," he asked in shock. "Kate, I-"

"It's okay, "she said, brushing it off with a wave of her hand. He took her hand in his and scooted a foot closer to her, closing the space between them.

"Kate, it's not okay. That is a very serious thing to deal with, and to deal with it alone….."

Kate shook her head. "I wasn't alone. I've been seeing a therapist."

He processed the information and nodded. "Okay. But we're not done talking about this."

She nodded in agreement and her heart flipped. He still cared about her, cared for her. She had lied to him and he still wanted the best for her. He still wanted to help her.

They sat there in silence again, both of Castle's hands wrapped around one of Kate's. It was so nice, neither of them really wanted to bring up the funeral. But they had to. The tension was there, and they both knew what they were tip-toeing around.

"Can I ask why you did it?"

"Why I did what?"

"Lied."

"Of course," she said, staring into her lap. "I owe you that. I owe you more than that."

"I did it because I was afraid to face whatever came after what you said." She couldn't say the word. "I was scared, and I was confused, and I was just trying to protect myself."

"From what? Kate, I would never hurt you."

"I know, but it's not just you I'm worried about. It's my mom. Until I solve her case, I can't fully devote myself to anything – or anyone. I knew that half of my heart and soul would always be in the case. And you deserve more than that."

Castle's face softened a bit.

"I know I went about it the wrong way, I just didn't want to hurt you, either," Kate said, trying to meet his eyes but instead looking at his chin.

"I just figured I was too much of a mess, you know? Damaged goods. I honestly believed you were better off without me," she finished, her voice down to almost a whisper. She hadn't meant for all of this to come up. For this tangled mess of emotions to surface. Things she hadn't even begun to work through yet, by herself or in therapy.

Castle was shocked. They had avoided it for as long as they could, but he had to say it. He cupped Beckett's chin and pulled it up so she would look into his eyes.

"Kate, _I love you_. The best version of me is the man I am when I'm with you. Without you, I would be a mess. Just like I have been for the past 6 weeks."

Kate was now forced to look into his beautiful blue eyes. _How do you respond to that?_

"Castle, I… I love you too. So much. And I'm sorry that I knew how you felt and pretended I didn't. It's not fair to you. I understand if….. if you need more time."

He dropped her hand and put his hands on her shoulders.

"Kate, I don't think you get it. I love you. I'm in love with you. And right now, that's all I need."

Kate was confused. "But it can't just all be okay. I lied, we just spent 6 weeks apart, both torn up inside. I spiraled, you spiraled. It's just so… sudden."

Castle stared straight into her eyes. "Kate, look at me and answer this one question truthfully: Do you love me?"

Kate widened her eyes slightly. _Was he really asking her this? _It felt odd and surreal. Like it was all in her head.

The only thing to do was answer.

"Yes."

His face slowly broke out into smile. She half-smiled back, and his smile just grew. But it still felt wrong. She shook her head and stood up, slipping out of his arms.

"Castle, I can't just forget everything that has happened this last month and a half. It was really hard. I felt like my heart was breaking every single day, into a thousand pieces. You can't piece together something that's so broken that easily."

His face fell again.

"I'm not saying we forget, I'm saying we acknowledge how we feel. We don't have to go into depth about everything just yet."

"Maybe I don't ever want to," Kate said forcefully, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "Have I dreamed about the moment when I told you I loved you and we dove in together? Yes. But I don't want to think about how I feel. What I've felt. These past few weeks, I've felt every goddamn emotion I knew existed. And I don't want to acknowledge them.

I haven't just missed you and cried over you and felt broken over you. Every single feeling and thought attached to the funeral, to Montgomery and his death, _to my mom's case_, is connected to how I felt on that same day you said you loved me. You can't just recover from that. Four therapy sessions doesn't make me okay." She wiped the tears away that threatened the blur her vision, but more just came up.

"Everybody is still gone, and even though I love you, so, so much, it can't fix me. And it's not fair for you to have to work so hard to love someone who's as broken as I am."

She couldn't take it anymore. She broke down into tears, standing in the middle of her living room. Castle jumped up from the couch and came to her side. He pulled her into his arms and rocked her back and forth, slowly.

"Shhh, it's gonna be okay. I'm here, and I'm gonna be here for you for as long as you need me."

* * *

><p>What do you guys think? Did I do the big conversation justice? Don't worry, there is more to come in the next chapter if you are not yet satisfied...<p>

Please review! I hope you enjoyed it :)


	5. Chapter 5

Kate stood there, with Castle's arms wrapped around her. Her tears kept coming, turning into huge sobs. Her body shook and she gasped for breath. This was everything she had held in for 6 weeks. Sure, she had cried a few times, but not like this.

"You're not too broken for me to fix, okay?," Castle whispered. "I want you the way you are, and you know what, Kate? I don't believe you're broken into too many pieces. I know you can be whole again, and I know I can help you."

She pulled her face away from his shoulder and looked into his eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered. It was the only two words she could manage. She wanted to kiss him, but felt like it was the wrong time. Instead, she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, wishing she was wearing a big, comfy, absorbent sweatshirt with too-long sleeves. She surveyed the damage she had done to the shoulder of Castle's shirt. It looked like he had gotten caught under someone's storm gutter. Her cheeks had that weird, tear-stained feeling, and some left-over tears were still slipping down them. Castle reached out and wiped them away with his thumb, smiling softly at her.

She yawned and closed her eyes, leaning against him.

"My God," she said quietly. "I feel extremely worn out. What time is it?"

He laughed a little bit and looked at his watch. "4:07 am."

"Wow." She was too tired to widen her eyes.

"We should get you to bed," Castle said, taking her hand and guiding her towards the hallway to her bedroom. "We can talk more tomorrow. I will be right here on the couch when you wake up, okay?"

Kate stared at him with an "are you crazy?" look and shook her head.

"I am not going home. And don't say I need to, because I don't. Mother was out at the theater, she likely came home tipsy a few hours ago and assumed I was in bed, then got in bed herself. Alexis is at a sleepover, and knowing her, she and her friends will be out shopping tomorrow morning or doing some other girl thing for hours."

Kate smiled a tiny bit and shook her head.

"No, I want you to come with me." She pulled him down the hall and into her bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, confused, as she disappeared into the bathroom. She emerged in an old NYPD sweatshirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants.

"No funny business," she instructed him wearily, pulling back the covers. He nodded and slipped off his shoes. They got under the covers and Kate snuggled up against him, needing to be in his arms.

"I do love you," she whispered. "I don't know what will happen when we wake up, but I want you to know that I do love you, very much."

xxxx

When she woke up, Kate Beckett was in Rick Castle's arms. He was holding her protectively, but not too tight. She could feel his sleeping chest moving up and down against her back. Kate savored the feeling for just a moment, not wanting to admit to herself how much she loved this. How she could get addicted to this. Lying bed with him, waking up in his arms.

She had meant what she said earlier this morning. It couldn't just all be okay. There were piles of baggage behind that one door. When she opened it, everything would come spilling out. And she was worried about what would happen, definitely. She thought of one particularly bad PTSD breakdown a few weeks ago. It was when her drinking got bad, worse than she meant it to be. She had ended up with a large cut on her forearm and a lot of excuses for Lanie and the boys.

What if that happened again? She didn't have time to break down, to take "a paid vacation" or "some time to decompress." And she knew that Castle, because he was Castle, would want to be there with her, to support her and offer a shoulder to cry on. And she was so thankful for that. She knew she was lucky to have someone who loved her so deeply, and sometimes undeservedly, on her part.

But how did she tell him that? Refusing to discuss all of her thoughts relating back to that day would mean putting any sort of relationship with Castle on hold. She didn't want to, though. She wanted to love him, to be with him.

Unfortunately, Castle was not the type to let something go. Especially something as big as the woman he loves in therapy for PTSD that came from being shot for trying to solve her mother's case, the driving force of her career and her life.

Castle shifted and Kate moved to his side, sensing that he was about to wake up. She left his arm encircling her waist, too comfortable to completely slip out of his grasp. He made a cute noise, like cat yawning. His blue eyes fluttered open and he smiled when he saw her, watching him carefully.

"Hey," he said drowsily, shifting again so his head was sideways on the pillow, facing her straight-on. She bit her lip.

"Hi."

They were once again faced with a moment where neither one knew what to say. Castle reached out and stroked her hair, twirling a curl between his fingers.

"Kate?"

"Mhhhmmm."

"We need to talk, but….. I don't want to rush it, okay? What matters is you, and that you're okay."

"Thanks, Castle, " she said softly, blushing a tiny bit. She moved closer to him, letting her head fall against his chest.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

She looked up at him. "I could really use some coffee."

He smiled at her. "Of course, my beautiful detective." He sat up in bed and put his hand on her shoulder, gesturing towards the main area of her apartment with his other hand. "Shall we?"

She nodded and pulled herself up out of bed, taking his hand and walking with him down the small hallway of her apartment. It was odd, but she almost felt as if she were a patient in a hospital. Like after she got shot and was out of recovery. Taking careful steps, being helped by someone to walk. She shuddered at the memory. Castle noticed, but didn't say anything.

Their untouched coffees sat on her kitchen table, along with his phone.

"I'll make some more coffee," Castle said, lightly touching his hand to her lower back before walking to the kitchen.

Kate sat on the couch where they had sat just hours earlier. Castle moved around the kitchen, brewing a new pot of coffee. She picked her phone up off the coffee table and hit a few buttons.

"Yo."

"Hey, Espo," Kate said softly, trying to sound fatigued. She hacked out a cough, and Castle turned to stare at her from the kitchen.

"Beckett. Where you at, girl? Ryan and I have wondering about you all morning."

"Yeah, I... I'm not feeling that great. I think I need to take the day off."

He laughed. "We figured. Almost 10 AM and you're not in? Something had to be up."

She smiled and spit out another fake cough. "Yeah… it just hit me out of nowhere. I hate being sick," she grumbled for effect. He laughed again.

"Feel better soon, okay?"

"Sure thing. Say 'hi' to Ryan for me."

"I will. See you later."

"Bye."

She hung up and tossed her phone on the coffee table. Castle grinned and walked over to the couch, doing a slow clap with his hands. She narrowed her eyes at him and stuck her tongue out. He laughed heartily.

"And you say I'm an immature child?"

He sat down on the couch and pulled her legs across his so she could lay on the couch. She shook her head sadly, her eyes dark and hurt.

"You wanna know something? I wasn't faking the voice. The coughs, maybe," she said in the same soft tone. She rubbed her temples and looked at him. His face was sympathetic.

"Does it always feel like this? Facing your emotions? I feel weighted down, weak, tired. I don't want to move, or do anything that involves more effort than opening a book or finding the tv remote."

He sighed and took her hand, placing a kiss on the top of it.

"Yeah, if they are even half of what you're going through. But you're going to be okay, Kate."

She shook her head again. "I'm not, Castle. I'm weak. I feel like I haven't slept in years, and everything hurts, but at the same time I feel nothing. I don't know to do now. I don't want to give up, but I don't know how to move on."

"Kate, you can beat this thing, I know it. And I'm proud of you for not giving up. On me, on your job. What is the first thing you did after I walked away?"

She looked at him in confusion. "I got my gun back and started working a new case."

"Exactly! Because you are Kate Beckett. You fight. You fight to put killers behind bars, you fight to find your mother's killer, and you will fight the pain. And you will win," he said firmly. He truly believed it.

She smiled. "You think so?"

"I think there's nothing you can't do." He smiled. "And you don't even need to worry, because I have a plan."

"Oh yeah?," Kate said. He nodded and lifted her legs up for a second, then got off the couch. He ran into the kitchen and picked up a piece of paper. He then noticed the coffee, which had brewed, so he poured them two cups and brought the cups and the paper to her at the couch. He handed her a coffee, returned to his spot under her legs, and took a sip of his coffee before clearing his throat dramatically.

"Firstly: you take one week, exactly _seven days_, off from work, to relax with me and just take it slow. Cry if you need to cry, pig out on food, watch romantic comedies, whatever."

Kate rolled her eyes and laughed, but he continued, undaunted.

"Secondly: you attend therapy sessions twice a week. Eventually, they can become once a week, and then maybe twice a month, but we will start off heavy. I will be present at one session a week."

That didn't actually sound that bad to Kate. While it was bold and scary, having Castle there half of the time might make it easier. She sipped her coffee and nodded for him to continue.

"Thirdly: you may set whatever ground rules you see fit for our relationship, but I refuse to leave your side at the 12th. In addition, you will not take any cases that Ryan, Esposito, and I deem to dangerous or risky for you."

She smiled. "Well, Castle, you've thought of everything."

He held up his hand. "Wait. There is one more thing. Fourthly: for your one week of leave, you will not complain about how I take care of you. This includes: gifts I give, food I make, and any other nice things I do for you that might dismiss as "unnecessary" or "too much.""

She laughed. "Wow. That's a lot."

"Yes, yes it is," he smiled, setting the paper down on the coffee table. His expression softened from one of childlike excitement to one of loving concern.

"How does it sound, truly?"

She swung her legs off of him and moved over to sit right next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her hair.

"Really good."

She shifted herself so she was sitting in his lap, facing him. Their eyes locked and she pressed a simple, soft kiss to his lips. When she pulled back, she rested her forehead against his, smelling the coffee on his breath.

"Castle, thank you. Thank you so much for everything. For the coffee, for understanding, for your plan. It all sounds wonderful, it really does."

"But?," he whispered. She bit her lip and laughed softly.

"Just give me a day. Maybe we could test out the first part of your plan?"

"Lots of food, romantic comedies, and some crying?"

"Mmhhmm," she said, loving the way their faces fit together so closely. "Minus the crying, of course."

She got up and stretched her arms up towards the ceiling, revealing an inch or two of flat, toned stomach. He stood up too, and gently kissed her cheek.

"Sounds like a plan."

She smiled and walked towards her bedroom. "I'm going to take a shower, okay? I don't think I have any food, but you can call and order something."

He nodded. "Okay. You sure you don't need my help?," he asked slyly, a grin creeping onto his face. She pulled her sweatshirt off, revealing a black tank top, and tossed it at him.

"Nope. I'm a big girl, Castle."

He chuckled as she disappeared into her bedroom. That sounded like his Kate.

* * *

><p>This is turning out to be longer than I intended! There will probably only be 2 or 3 more chapters... how would you guys like to see the story end?<p>

Please review! I hope you all liked it! :)


	6. Chapter 6

Kate headed into her bathroom to take a shower, and Castle decided to call Alexis and his mother. He picked up his phone, and found that the battery was almost dead. He also had 5 missed calls, all from Alexis. He hit speed dial 1 for his home phone, and Alexis picked up on the first ring.

"Dad? Where are you? I got home half an hour ago, and the house was empty! Except for Gram, who's still dead asleep…"

"Hey, honey. I'm at Beckett's apartment. She's…. pretty sick. I don't want to leave her alone right now."

Castle re-used Kate's lie, not wanting to let anyone else in on what was going on with her. He wanted to keep it between them. It would make Kate more comfortable, and it would give both of them more time to figure things out.

"Oh, okay. You going to spend the day with her?"

"Yeah. Is that okay?"

"Of course, dad. Beckett is your friend, and she obviously needs you. Anything I can do?"

"Yes, actually. I'm going to run out and get some food, and I want to grab a few things from the loft. Can you get my phone charger from my desk drawer and leave it out on the table."

"Sure."

"Oh! And can you go through our movie collection and find some good romantic comedies? I want to cheer Beckett up, she's a little down. She's really doesn't like getting sick."

"Yep. See you soon, dad. And tell Beckett I hope she feels better."

"I will, sweetie, thanks. See you in 15."

Castle hung up and turned his phone off to preserve the remaining power. He didn't hear water running, so he figured that maybe Kate hadn't gotten in the shower yet. He walked to her bedroom. The door was half-closed, so he knocked.

"Kate?"

There was no answer, so he carefully pushed the door open. Kate was standing in the middle of her room in her bra and pajama pants. Her glossy curls tumbled down her back, and she was touching her heart. Castle took a few steps towards her.

"Kate, honey?"

He hadn't meant to let the term of endearment slip out, but Kate didn't seem to notice. She was fixated on her reflection in the mirror that sat on her dresser. Castle came to stand beside her, and then he finally saw what she was looking at: a scar. It was in the middle of her chest, right above where her bra cups met, pink and slightly faded. Her skin puckered around it, and it was roughly the size of a bullet, small and circular.

Kate was touching the scar lightly, tracing around the edge of it with her index finger. The expression on her face was hard to look at: pain, anger, sadness, longing. Her eyes flicked up for a moment, and she tried to fake a small smile at him in the mirror.

"Hot, right?," she joked, her voice slightly raspy. She swallowed and he could see she was holding back tears. They were different tears than the ones that had stained his shirt earlier this morning. These were tears of pure pain and heartache.

Castle kissed her shoulder and pulled her into his arms, her back leaning against his chest. He took her hand and gently pulled it away from the scar, squeezing it.

"I think it's beautiful. And pretty sexy for a battle wound. It shows your strength, not your weakness."

"You think?," she asked, her voice practically a whisper. He nodded and she turned around, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly.

"Thank you, Castle. Again."

He smiled and hugged back, rubbing her back. After a few moments, he led them to her bed and sat her down. He got down on his knees so that he was facing her and put a hand on her cheek.

"I was going to go home and change my clothes, then pick up some food for us. But I can stay, order in."

She shook her head. "No, it's okay. I'll be alright for half an hour."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Castle, I love how willing you are to stay by my side through all of this, but I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for 12 years."

"I know. But I don't want you to go through this alone. And I need you as much as you need me."

On impulse, he leaned forward and kissed her lips. She kissed back tenderly, slowly. Castle wanted more than anything to deepen the kiss, to pick her up in his arms and engage in something more passionate. But rushing anything would be a huge mistake. Instead, he ended the kiss like a gentleman, pressing another small kiss to her forehead.

"I will be back in 45 minutes, _tops. _Hopefully only 30, but you have to factor in driving time and getting food and then parking... well maybe I'll just take a cab. Or I could–"

Kate cut him off by placing her hand over his mouth gently.

"Just go so you can come back to me, 'kay?," she said, with a small smile. She said it in a loving way, not a demanding one.

"Kay," he said through her hand, smiling. He stood up to his full height and left her bedroom. He made sure that he heard running water before he left, closing the door behind him and locking it with her key, which he had stealthily taken out of her purse. It made him feel better leaving her alone if the door was locked.

xxxx

Castle located his house key and slid in into the lock with a click. He had driven back to his loft as fast as he could without endangering himself, had his car valet-parked in the lot adjacent to his building, as always, and headed upstairs quickly. He was going to grab the dvds and phone charger, change his clothes, pick up Chinese food at the amazing place around the corner, and head back to Kate's as fast as he could. He had called his order in on the drive over to save time.

He wanted to get back to her as soon as possible.

"Dad!"

Alexis tackled him in a hug when he walked through the door. He kissed the top of her head.

"Hey, honey. How was your sleepover?"

"Good. Paige's cousin was visiting from San Diego, so she came too. We watched both Legally Blondes, painted our nails, you know, girl stuff. How's Beckett?"

"Not so good. I was able to convince her to take a shower with the promise of grabbing some food."

"What does she have?"

"We don't know," Castle said slowly, instantly feeling guilty for lying to Alexis. He picked his phone charger up off the kitchen counter and stuffed it in his pocket. "She's feeling very weak and light-headed, and she's starting to lose her voice. I'm thinking she had a cold she ignored and it's turning into a really bad flu."

"That sucks," Alexis frowned. "Hey dad?"

"Yeah?" Castle was going through a basket of clean laundry on the couch, looking for a new shirt.

"I thought you and Beckett were "taking a break." A long one."

He sighed. He didn't know how to explain it to Alexis without saying what was really going on.

"We were. But she really needs someone, so right now I just need to be there for her. When she gets better, we'll talk things out."

Alexis looked confused. "Dad, what's going on? Did you guys have a really big fight?"

"Just a disagreement between adults, sweetie. Beckett and I have been working together for almost four years, sometimes we need some space."

She nodded, but he could tell she wasn't buying it. His daughter was a smart girl.

Castle found a navy blue, gray, white, and black plaid flannel, which he put on. He left the same pair of jeans on, and kept his coat with him just in case he needed it. That was all he needed to do here at home, except –

"Hey, Alexis?'

"Yeah?," she asked from the kitchen, where she was making herself a turkey sandwich.

"Did you pick out some dvds?"

"Oh!,'" she exclaimed, running into the living room and picking up a small bag from the coffee table. She handed it to Castle.

"2 Weeks Notice, The Music Man, The Breakfast Club, It's Complicated, and The Proposal. Oh, and Miss Congeniality, because Gracie reminds me of Beckett." She smiled. Castle smiled too, and ruffled her hair.

"That's very sweet, Alexis. She'll love to hear that." He pressed another kiss to the top of her head. "I don't know how long I'll be at Beckett's, maybe even until tomorrow…" He paused. "Maybe I should get a few more things."

xxxx

25 minutes later, Castle was leaving the Chinese place and driving back to Kate's apartment. He had packed a small bag with pajamas, two changes of clothes, extra underwear, his toothbrush, his favorite Patterson book to read to Kate, and his laptop (with charger). He didn't want to freak her out with the bag, but he wanted to be prepared to stay with her as long as she needed.

He got to Kate's building and parked in the same place. Grabbing his bag and the Chinese food, he headed back up to her apartment. He took out the key he had borrowed from her purse, and let himself in. He didn't hear any water running, but he didn't see Kate on the couch or in the kitchen, so he crossed his fingers that she was napping.

Castle left the Chinese takeout on the kitchen table, slipped the key back in Kate's purse, and left his bag in the corner of the room where she would be least likely to notice it.

"Castle? Is that you?," Kate called from the back of the apartment. Castle yelled back, "Yeah, it's me," and made his way back to her bedroom. She wasn't in the bed, it was the exact same way they had left it when they woke up a few hours ago. The bathroom light was on, so he went in and found Kate in the bathtub, covered in cherry-scented bubbles and with her smooth, tanned legs poking out of the water and resting on the lip of the tub. Her hair was up in a messy bun and she was reading Heat Wave. She smiled at him.

"Page 105?," He joked, kneeling next to the tub. She laughed, her voice a little hoarser than it had been when he'd left her. Was she actually beginning to get a cold, or did it reveal that she had been crying while he's been out? Well, not just crying. There had probably been some screaming and sobbing too. He decided not to ask her about it.

Kate dog-eared the page she was on and handed Castle the book, which he placed on the floor. He took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze, then hung onto it.

"So you decided to take a bath instead of shower?," he asked, sounding like a loving husband. Kate was surprised at how much she liked the thought.

"Yeah. It's really relaxing," she said, her voice definitely sounding raspier. She could tell Castle had noticed but was trying not to pry, which she appreciated. He nodded.

"Good call."

"It was 40 minutes ago, but now my toes are getting pruney and the water is cooling down," she said with a tiny grin, wiggling her toes at him. "I think it's time to get out."

He nodded and stood up, letting go of her hand. She glanced around the bathroom until she located her towel, sitting on top of the closed toilet on the other side of the room.

"Hey, Castle, will you grab my towel?," she asked, pointing to it. He obliged, and held it out for her to step into. She admired his restraint as he looked away when she stepped out of the tub and into the waiting towel, but she wasn't really trying to hide anything from him. She wasn't ready to tell Castle this yet, but she was already thinking about the days in the future when they could take baths together, her sitting in his lap as he leaned up against the back of the tub, their legs both stretched out and tangled together. Just like her fantasies of them waking up next to each other or laying in each other's arms after a long day of work, she kept this one to herself. For now. She just wasn't quite sure how to tell him the things she wanted to become reality.

* * *

><p>I wanted to (mostly) take a break from the drama and angst this story is filled of, so I took some time to tie up a few loose ends. I also wanted a few sweet moments between Beckett and Castle :)<p>

Only 1 or 2 more chapters left! Anything you still have questions about? Oh, and want to review? It would make my Chrismukkah ;)

Oh, and on that note, happy holidays to all my readers! Whether you are in the midst of Hannukah or getting ready for Christmas in a few days (or doing both, like me) have fun and eat lots of awesome food!


	7. Chapter 7

Castle was setting out the Chinese food on the kitchen table when Kate came out of her room in a red men's t-shirt and black pajama pants with tiny white polka dots. She was combing her fingers through her wet hair absentmindedly, walking over to join Castle in the kitchen.

"Mhhhmm, looks yummy," she murmured, looping her arm through the crook of his elbow and leaning against his side. Castle didn't know where this more open, slightly touchy-feely side of Kate was coming from, but he liked it. He winked at her, then noticed her shirt.

"You still have that?"

"Yeah," she said, with an air of "of course I did," a smile on her face. "It's comfy, and I like the color."

"Wow," he laughed, handing her a paper plate. "That was what, two years ago?"

She took the plate from him and unlatched her arm to serve herself. Castle was happy to see the giant helpings she was shoveling onto her plate. He didn't know how much she had eaten in the last month, but he guessed not much.

"Yep. Can you believe it's been 2 years since my other place blew up?"

"I know, it feels like forever ago," he said, helping himself to chicken chow mein and 2 spring rolls. He pulled up a stool and joined Kate at the bar. "But I will never forget seeing that blast. It scared the hell out of me."

"It did?," Kate asked. He looked at her incredulously.

"Of course it did. I thought you were dead!"

She smiled. "It was very brave of you to break down the door and come looking for me," she said. "Thanks again for that."

He nodded, his mouth full of food. He swallowed and joked, "It wasn't totally selfless. I did get to see you naked."

She elbowed him. "For like a second!"

He laughed and winked at her. "And what a glorious second it was."

She just shook her head and gave him that smile of hers that always appeared on her face when he suggested one of his crazy theories. He ate his last few bites of chicken chow mein and then took his and Kate's empty plates into the kitchen.

"So, I don't know what you want to do next, but Alexis picked out a stack of movies, including Miss Congeniality, because she says you remind her of Gracie Hart."

Kate liked the idea. She grinned. "Aww. That's very sweet of her." She got up and walked over to the couch.

"That sounds wonderful, but my tv is….not working right now." She was glad Castle was too busy doing the few dishes that sat in the sink and didn't realize her blushing. He didn't need to know that the screen of the tv that usually sat diagonally left of the couch had been slightly dented by a glass. A glass that had shattered on impact, leaving the tv out of commission for a while.

"Oh, that's okay. We can use my laptop. Its in a bag with the dvds by the bookshelf."

Kate found the bag and opened it, expecting to just find the dvds and the laptop. Instead, she saw extra clothes, a toothbrush, pajamas, a book, and _underwear_. He really did wear silk boxers. _Focus, Kate,_ she told herself. Why did Castle have what looked like an overnight bag?

"Castle?"

"Mhhmm?," he asked, walking over to her and bending down next to her. He froze when he saw the look on her face and the open bag.

"Okay, I can explain," he said. She nodded and they both sat down cross-legged on the floor.

"Go ahead. I'm not angry, Castle. Just a little caught off guard."

He exhaled. "Good. I just packed some stuff because I don't want to leave you alone for the next few days, while you work stuff out. I wanted to be prepared to stay with you as long as you needed me."

Kate smiled. "That's really sweet of you, Castle, but I _can_ take care of myself, you know. I may be down, but I'm not incapable of functioning on my own. But thank you."

"I know. But I also kinda of… want you to want me to stay."

She took his hand in hers. "Well, if I'm not mistaken, part of your plan was for me to spend a week, with you, taking it easy."

He nodded, but didn't say anything. Kate frowned.

"Castle, I do want you around. I just…. I don't want to monopolize you. You do have a career besides following me around, and you have Alexis. It isn't fair for me to just keep you at my side for the next week."

"But that's where I want to be, " he insisted, taking her other hand. "Mother can take care of Alexis, who has a social life and isn't as home as much as she used to be, anyway. Besides, its just a week. I don't see them for much longer than that when I go on book tours. You are important."

Kate bit her lip. "Just…. check with them, make sure its okay, please?"

"Ok," he agreed. "But it won't matter what they say. Kate, I love you, and I'm not going to leave you ever again."

She smiled and felt butterflies in her stomach, a warm feeling in her chest. This wasn't the first time he had said it, and she had said it a few times too, but this time was different. They both knew that they loved each other, and he had proved it times a thousand these last few days. But she hadn't. She felt guilty for that. She felt that he still thought he was loving her and waiting patiently for her to love him back, like he had been for a while now. But he wasn't. She loved him as much as he loved her, and it was time for her to show it.

She moved closer to him and put her hands on his shoulders, staring him straight in the eye.

"I love you too, Richard Castle. I love you as much as you love me, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to say it."

He grinned and she kissed him passionately, wrapping her arms around his neck. They sunk into each other, shifting to lie on the floor. A few minutes later, they broke apart, both a little out of breath. They laid next to each other on the carpet, their foreheads pressed against each other and their bodies turned towards each other. Castle's arms were wrapped around Kate, just like she had been dreaming for weeks. He nudged her nose with his and she giggled, a very girly, un-Beckett giggle. He smiled, causing her to laugh a little more.

"I love that laugh," he whispered, raising one of his hands from her back to stroke her hair. She bit her lip and smiled back.

"I love yours, too," she said lovingly.

"I love everything about you," he said, taking her face in his hands and placing small kisses all over it. "I love your smile, I love your hair, I love your eyes, I love your bravery and strength, I love it all. _I win_."

She laughed and then let out a little moan of pleasure as he hit her neck with his trail of kisses.

"Win? Is this a game to you, Castle?," she teased as he moved her hair away from her neck to gain more access. She gasped and he grinned, very happy with himself.

"Depends on the rules."

They continued their little game for about an hour until Kate forced herself to stop. As much as she wanted to continue, she knew where it would lead and for the time being, it was best for them to take it slow. When she told him this he had just flashed her that boyish smile of his and nodded, then put on Miss Congeniality on his laptop.

That's where they sat now, with the laptop sitting on the coffee table and the two of them snuggled together in the couch under a blanket.

"You know, I think Alexis is right, Gracie is a lot like you," Castle whispered to Kate. "Except you're a little smoother and less clumsy, and a lot hotter."

She laughed. 'What, not a Sandra Bullock fan?"

He smiled. "No, I love Sandy. She's a sweetheart. But Gracie Hart isn't a glamorous kind of gal. The character isn't about being hot, she's about getting the job done and following her heart. But then at the end, she gets the guy, and she transforms into a beautiful person."

Kate smiled. She loved hearing him tell stories, even if he was just retelling other people's. She pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Now, if only I knew someone who worked in law enforcement who was not only sexy, but damn good at her job and very smart."

She pulled herself into his lap and turned to face him, pretending to think.

"Hmmmm… if only."

He winked at her and kissed her lips, murmuring with pleasure. She kissed back, and when they broke apart she rested her head on his chest, tracing circles on his knee with her index finger.

"It really is gonna be okay, isn't it?," she said with a happy smile. He nodded and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"Yeah, it is."

* * *

><p>The final chapter! DUN DUN DUN...<p>

Okay, unnecessary theatrics aside, this is in fact the conclusion to Castle and Beckett's "what if" situation. I hope you guys all really enjoyed it!

Please review and tell me your favorite things, and what you would like to see in a sequel if I write one, which I have been thinking about. Should I base it off of a season 4 episode, or should the story not have much NYPD involvement, like this one?

Oh, and have a happy new year! :)


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